It’s been a while. I apologize. Life has a way of catching up to you and sometimes, even with our best intentions, our emotions can get the best of us too.
I’ve been oscillating between feeling better and feeling down. When I take a step back and look on all I’ve accomplished and all I’ve withstood, I pat myself on the back. When I look at my heart and see what I still wish for, I ache. I ache mainly because at this point in our story, I’m unsure if our miracle baby will come unless we spend exorbitant amounts of money once again on fertility treatments. Or if our miracle baby will come through some other means. Part of why I’ve been unable to blog is because we have been trying to save as much money as earthly possible, which means I’ve been working much more, spending less time with our son and less time blogging.
Don’t get me wrong. I’m grateful that my husband and I have the flexibility and even just the CAPABILITY to save the money to try again for our miracle baby. I’m just a bit tired, friend. As I’m sure many can relate there are times in life where things just feel arduous and often times unforgiving. And yet, I still trudge on.
I had a pretty important surgery last week. It was very significant that we decided to have the surgery. They found evidence of cysts, endometriosis, and my ovaries were stuck to my pelvic cavity. Now we are here. I’m having to wait a few more weeks until I can work out (cue the GROAN 🙂 ) and I’m in this odd, but weirdly comforting time where I can’t physically do anything except wait.
Have you been in a season like that? Where you couldn’t do your “normal” routine? Like the things you count on to help lift your spirits and keep you focused? What do you do?
It is a pretty apparent reminder that even with the grief and stress that comes with secondary infertility, I still have so much to be praising God for. I have my legs and arms and spirit and drive that sings when I do Pilates or when I go for a run. And although I can’t do these things yet, I will again soon. It’s not a never again. Amidst the waiting, I have my eyes to see the beauty that surrounds me— my son, my husband, our home, our dogs, and our green grass that my husband has been working so diligently on.
Other than the surgery, I have spent my time journaling and of course, reading. I stumbled upon likely one of the best books I’ve ever read called “The Wilderness” by Brian and Candice Simmons. If you haven’t read it and are currently in a season of spiritual unrest or disquiet, I highly recommend it.
So even today, while I have not yet found resolution to my oscillating feelings of “what now,” I wanted to leave the reader with a bit of scripture found in “The Wilderness” book that speaks volumes to me. It is that reminder that I don’t have to always be settled, happy, or have it all “figured out” because God knows my heart and has continually provided for me. Maybe not in the time frame I’d like or in the way I envisioned. Maybe I’ve questioned, feared, sobbed, yelled, and wondered, but then time passes, and I realize he sustained me and brought me to a new place or perspective in my life. And ultimately He continues to show up in my life and in yours, sometimes at the most unlikely or inopportune times.
Keep trudging, my friend, and remember you’re not alone.
“The Lord will always show you where to go and what to do, filling you with refreshment when you are dry and in a difficult place. He will continually restore strength to you. You will flourish like a well-watered garden, and be like an ever flowing, trustworthy spring of blessing.” -Isaiah 58:11